


Someone To Apologize To

by Iamsherlocked07



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Domestic Violence, Flashback, Multi, Sexual Assault, i am once again projecting onto cj cregg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:07:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27771253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamsherlocked07/pseuds/Iamsherlocked07
Summary: CJ faces the past after confronting John Hoynes. Missing scene/post ep for Full Disclosure.
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	Someone To Apologize To

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone please pay attention to tags and warnings. I’ve been wanting to write a fic about this ep for a while because I really feel like there’s more to the story than what we see. I know this is dark I just felt like it needed to be published. So many fics about this ep/CJ’s history have really helped and comforted so idk. I hope this does more good than not. Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Ps. I have a fic dedicated to moments from S5 but decided not to include this so I could tag it appropriately.

“CJ?” Toby called from just outside her office. There was no answer, just the warm glow of her lamp spilling onto the floor. “CJ?” he called again, panic growing. 

He crossed into the office, standing in front of her. 

“CJ?” 

She startled, as if he were appearing from thin air. 

“Toby,” her voice was strained, “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I was calling your name for a bit.”

“I didn’t hear,” she said hazily. 

“You never came to my office to work on school vouchers. You said you were coming,” he spoke slowly. 

Her brows knit together, a look of confusion passing over her face. 

“Yeah I...I said I’d be there in a bit I just needed to...” she trailed. 

“That was over an hour ago,” Toby replied. He really was beginning to worry now. She seemed far away, guarded. 

“Oh, I must have...” 

CJ honestly had lost track of time. The last thing she remembered was calling Ben. She wasn’t even sure why, really. She just knew she needed someone easy, ignorant, far away. But after they’d hung up she was alone with her thoughts and...

“Claudia Jean,” Toby said firmly, an edge of anxiety in his voice. “What’s going on?”

It all came crashing around her as CJ realized what was happening. It had been years since she felt like this, thought about that night in the elevator. But today she’d come face to face with what she thought was passed and it was too much to bear. She wasn’t sure where she got the strength to confront John Hoynes, alone like that. CJ only knew it needed to be done. She needed to end this once and for all. But once in her office she’d realized it wasn’t really over. It would always be her history no matter what he did. 

It felt as if all the air evaporated from the room. CJ sucked in a shallow breath. Then another. And another. She was gasping now, her hand flailing at the base of her throat. 

“I can’t...Toby, I can’t breathe,” she cried. The walls were closing in around her. CJ stood suddenly, swaying. 

“Whoa, alright, CJ,” Toby said, catching her by the elbows. 

She collapsed into him, heaving sobs taking over her body. Toby braced her against his chest, taking her weight before guiding her to the couch. 

“I’m sorry,” she croaked. He’d seen her cry plenty of times but she seemed uncharacteristically vulnerable tonight as she settled in his lap, burying her head in his neck and gripping his shirt tightly. 

“I’ve got you,” he soothed, rubbing circles on her back. “It’s alright now. I’m here.” 

After a few minutes she quieted, growing heavier in Toby’s arms. He gently shifted her onto the cushions. 

“I’m going to get you some water. I’ll be right back.”

She focused on taking long breaths in and out before Toby returned, pressing a styrofoam cup in her hands. CJ took a few gulps, sputtering slightly. 

“Easy,” Toby warned, settling next to her. 

Her voice was raspy, far away sounding, “I should never have gotten in that elevator. I shouldn’t have flirted with him. It was just...flirting.” She took in a shaky breath, “I felt pretty and wanted and I don’t know, valuable? And then who would have believed me over a presidential candidate? It would have ruined everything and he would have blamed me.” She laughed bitterly, the events of that night during the early campaign came rushing back. 

It was one of the last fundraising events before the Iowa Caucus. Their polling was shaky but they were close enough to a nomination that they could practically taste it. CJ had a few gaffs in front of the press that week, prompting a round of fights with Toby in whatever hotel they were staying in. Her inadequacies felt overwhelming, like she was always the one a few steps behind; the odd one out with less experience and poise. Josh tried to bolster her, to convince her they all made mistakes and that more often than not, she was a tremendous asset. Regardless, Leo and the Governor were frustrated and Toby’s disappointment was undeniable. It wasn’t that big of mistake, really. Whoever had messed up that week would have carried the weight of all their exhaustion and frustration. That particular week the burden fell on CJ. 

Her sparkling cocktail dress flashed with the light from the ball room’s chandelier. She spent most of the night next to the bar, hiding from the rest of the staff. 

She had already turned down several invitations to dance with some of the high profile men at the party. CJ wasn’t used to having so much attention so often, a trend that would continue throughout their time in the White House. The advances made Toby crazy, though not as crazy as the wedding ring on his finger made her. John Hoynes was eyeing her from across the room again and CJ felt her cheeks flush. Something about the way he looked at her made her uneasy but tonight she was sad and lonely and more than a little drunk. 

When Hoynes headed for the elevator at the end of the night, she downed the rest of her drink and followed him, thinking they’d flirt a little and she’d enjoy the satisfaction of politely declining his proposition. She wanted to feel powerful, wanted, sought after. 

CJ slipped through the elevator doors just before they closed. 

“You look very nice tonight, CJ.”

“Thank you, Senator. It’s good to see you again,” she slurred. It was just the two of them and suddenly her heart began to beat faster. As they were nearing her floor, she turned to the Senator, laying her hand on his arm causally. 

“Well, goodnight,” she offered lamely. Hoynes reached out, pressing the emergency stop button on the glowing panel. 

“What—“ she started but before CJ knew it, his lips were on hers. 

“John,” she gasped out, trying to get his attention. He backed her up, pushing her roughly against the wall, pinning her with his weight.

“What are you...Senator please...” she tried but his hands were already roaming her body, tearing at the fabric. His lips on her neck felt like fire as he groped her breasts, a hand sliding up her dress. 

“John, please,” she whimpered, the handrail digging painfully into her back. 

He was persistent though, and CJ kicked his shin desperately, using the reprieve to start the elevator again. 

“What the fuck, CJ?” Hoynes ground out, the back of his hand colliding with her cheek. Her head lurched with the force. 

“That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? That’s what you followed me for?”

“That was most certainly not what I wanted,” she spat as the doors rolled open onto her floor. She stumbled out, vision blurred by tears and booze. The hallway was empty as she leaned against the wall for support, dissolving into tears. 

The elevator chimed again and she started, suddenly on alert. Toby, Sam, and Josh emerged, laughing and talking. 

“Hey, CJ,” Sam called out to her in his laid back way. 

“Oh thank god,” she sobbed, reaching a shaky hand out. 

Toby’s face clouded with worry as he took her in. Mascara tracked her cheeks, her dress disheveled and ripped slightly, a red angry mark blooming on the side of her face. 

“What the hell—“ Josh started, puzzled. 

CJ tried to walk but her knees buckled, the three of them rushing forward instinctively. 

Toby caught her against his chest, Sam and Josh’s hands on her arms and back, propping her up. 

“CJ what happened?” Sam asked hurriedly. 

“I can’t...I shouldn’t have....” she was practically hyperventilating now. Josh smoothed her hair away from her face, noticing the subtle bruises forming. His fingers brushed against her skin and she tensed, pulling away. 

Toby tightened his grip on her, suddenly understanding what transpired. His eyes tracked her whenever they were together, even in a crowded room. He knew Hoynes had expressed interest in her but he never imagined this was possible. 

“Let’s get her back to her room. She needs some water,” Toby instructed. They guided her down the hall, helping open the door. 

Once inside Josh and Sam hovered nervously. CJ’s glassy eyes met Toby’s in a silent plea. 

“I’ve got it from here,” he said, trying to sound calmer than he felt. “I think it’s best if we don’t overwhelm her.” Josh and Sam nodded, heading for the door. 

“You’ll tell us if you need anything?” Josh asked. 

“Yeah, course. Thanks,” Toby replied, reaching for a bottle of water in the mini fridge. 

He handed it to CJ who was sitting on the hotel bed, a dazed look on her face. Toby took a tentative step toward her, trying to get a better look at her cheek. When he reached out to turn her head, CJ flinched, raising her hand defensively. 

“Honey, it’s just me,” he said tenderly, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“CJ? CJ, honey, come back,” Toby’s voice grew louder in her ears as her office materialized in front of her again. She felt the soft couch sag beneath her weight, cool tears dried on her face. 

“I’m going to drive you back to my place. I’ll sleep on the couch if it’ll make you more comfortable but I don’t think you should be alone,” Toby said gently but with authority. 

“Okay,” was all she could manage as she rose shakily to her feet. 

Once at his apartment, Toby managed to convince CJ to change into the lounge clothes she kept in his dresser. 

He settled on the couch as she paced loping strides across his living room, wringing her hands as she did so. 

“Claudia Jean,” he called, head titled to study her, “You’re exhausted. You should sit down.”

He was right, of course. The bags under her eyes were dark and puffy from her tears. It took a tremendous amount of energy to stand upright, her legs wobbled slightly under her weight.

“I can’t,” she whispered. “If I sit down I’ll fall asleep and if I fall asleep I’ll have nightmares.”

Toby’s chest tightened as he imagined CJ alone in hotel rooms or her apartment, trying desperately to keep herself awake no matter how tired she was. 

His instinct was to argue with her, insist she listen to him, but that was the last thing she needed. At least she was here with him, where he knew she’d be safe and looked after. 

“I’m going to give you some space. I’ll just be down the hall in my office if you need me,” Toby offered. She gave a stiff nod in response, forcing a small smile. 

Toby tried to read but ultimately ended up listening intently as she walked the living room for the better part of an hour. Her footsteps finally stopped briefly, followed by a small clanking and a sickening thud. Rushing down the hall, Toby called her name, knowing there wouldn’t be an answer. 

She was slumped against the bookshelf, her eyes fluttering with exhaustion. 

“I couldn’t...I couldn’t stand up anymore,” she whimpered. 

“I know, Jeanie, it’s alright,” he soothed, gathering her in his arms and lifting her gently. 

Toby carried her to his bedroom, lying her on the bed and tucking the covers around her. He clicked off the light, moving toward the door. 

“Toby?” she called out in a small voice. 

“What is it?”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Of course I will. If that’s what you want.” CJ nodded in response and he climbed into bed next to her. 

She snuggled against his chest, his arms wrapping protectively around her. 

“I’ll be right here,” he murmured into her hair, “I’ll always be here.”


End file.
